Jesus and Judas in the Garden
by Padfoot Reincarnated
Summary: Jesus and Judas are having relationship Problems with a capital P. Watch as this one turns into a crucifiction that spawns a religion. JesusJudas slash, parody. Not meant to be taken seriously, don't read if you can't handle.


**This is a parody, guys, and NOT meant to be taken seriously. In fact, if you can take a little fanfiction like this seriously, you have problems. There is slash, Jesus/Judas, and implications of Jesus/John and Judas/Thomas, but as I said it's all a joke.**

Jesus, Judas, Peter, Thomas, and John were wandering around the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus and Judas were frantically trying to think of a way to ditch the others so they could slip off and so what they liked to do best: snog. With each other.

"Hey, Peter," Jesus said, "Why don't you take the other guys off somewhere and go...pray, or something?"

"Oh, no, Master," Peter said, grinning lecherously, "I'd _much _rather spend time with _You_, if You know what I mean."

Jesus shuddered and pulled Judas in front of Him for protection. "Er, no, I don't have any idea what you're talking about, Peter," He squeaked. "Um...Hey, John, why don't you, like, go clean up the dishes from the Last Supper or something?"

John's eyes filled with tears and his lower lip wobbled wildly. "_Last _Supper, my Lord? What do you mean, _Last _Supper? I thought I was the Disciple you _loved! _Didn't last night mean anything to you? I thought you were a _good person!_" he wailed, throwing himself at Jesus' feet and clutching at His robes.

Jesus tried to subtly kick John off. Unfortunately, His foot accidentally connected with John's nose, and that sort of thing simply is Not Subtle. Peter and Thomas stared at him with their jaws open in amazement. Judas smirked. Jesus turned a Holy shade of Red, and the Red was promptly canonized and became known to adoring fans as Falu Red.

"Er...yeah, sorry, John," He said, chuckling awkwardly, trying to ignore the apostle's new bout of hysterics. "These things...happen. Um. Thomas! I heard there was a great sale on fish over on the other side of Jerusalem. Buy one, get two free or something like that. It's in a Temple, but we really can't pass this one up. I mean, hey, the market for miracles is supposed to just _soar _in the next few weeks."

Thomas shrugged. "I don't believe you," he said matter-of-factly, and returned to clipping his nails.

Jesus was stunned and ashamed that Thomas had caught His little lie so easily. "But...but I'm the Son of God! _I'm _the _son _of the one and only freaking _God. _You _have _to believe me."

"And if God told you to jump off a cliff, or kill your own kid, would you believe that, too?"

"No, of course not. Do you think I'm an idiot?" Jesus responded defensively.

Thomas shrugged.

"Stop confusing me!" Jesus moaned. Jesus did not like being confused. Jesus felt His Holy Rage rising up. He was about to smite them all with lightening bolts when Judas put a consoling hand on his arm. "Let me handle it, Jeezy," he said gently. Jesus bit His lip, then nodded.

"Hey Pete, Tom, Johnny-boy," Judas said playfully. "There's a sale on Saviors over in Mecca. And if you guys don't fall to your unworthy knees and blubber right now, you're going to hell." Then he slipped sleeping pills down their throats.

"That should take care of them for a while," he said grimly, brushing his hands off as they fell to the ground. "Now, why don't you and I take a little walk."

Jesus and Judas made their way through the gardens silently, occasionally allowing their hands to touch. Finally, they reached a secluded corner. It was overgrown, which told Jesus that no one had come in for quite a while. They collapsed together under a tree. It was warm out, and the air smelled of sweet perfume.

"Now kiss me, you bastard!" Judas screeched, leaning in. The violins swelled, the choir burst forth in Hallelujahs, and the story was about to reach an Emotional High Point.

Unfortunately, Jesus decided to go and ruin everything.

"Judas!" He gasped, shocked, "You can't call the Son of God a...b—b--bastard."

Judas frowned and pulled back. "You know, Jesus, I've been meaning to talk to you about this for quite some time, and this is the perfect opportunity."

Jesus squinted, confused. "Talk about what, exactly?" He asked nervously, unsure if He liked the direction this conversation was taking.

Judas sighed. "This isn't fun for me, either, Jesus," he said sincerely, "but it's the Son of God thing. Lately, it seems like...well, not to seem accusatory, but lately it's like you've been using it as a crutch." He adopted a high-pitched voice, imitating his friend, "_Oh, oh, I get to be team captain because I'm the Son of God! You guys can't tackle me when we play football because I'm the Son of God! You can't call me a bastard because I'm the Son of God! You can't betray me to my death because I'm the Son of God!_"

"Hey!" Jesus said, "You can't—wait, what was that last thing?"

"Er...what last thing?"

"Never mind."

"And you know, I'm starting to wonder if we have other issues in our relationship, too," Judas said sadly, "I mean, I was reading the Old Testament of Your Holy Word, and then there was all this crap about killing people like us."

"Yeah," Jesus said defensively, "But I didn't make that part up. My Father did. Did you get to the parts about David and Jonathan or Ruth and Naomi yet? Because I wrote _those _parts."

"The whole thing is a contradictory mess, Jesus," Judas said dismissively, "But that isn't even the main issue here. What _exactly _did John mean when he said he was 'The Disciple that You Loved?' And when he was talking about 'Last Night?' Jesus, you can't pretend you don't know."

Jesus coughed and shuffled His feet. "Now, don't jump to conclusions, Judas," He begged.

Judas' rolled his eyes. "The facts speak for themselves, Jesus," he said gently, "Now, what do _You _have to say for _Yourself_?"

Jesus trembled, then collapsed into a breakdown of John-like proportions. "I'm sorry!" he sobbed, "I'm sorry! Please take me back, I'll never do it again, I promise, I'm sorry!"

Judas awkwardly leaned down and patted Jesus on the head. "It's okay, Jeezy," he said, taking Jesus' hand and gently kissing Him. "There, there. Don't cry now."

"It wasn't my _fault!_" Jesus whimpered. "I'd had to much wine, and John—well, you _know _how John is, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings! And it was just the once, I promise."

"Good," Judas joked, in an effort to lighten the mood, "Because I was considering ditching you for Thomas."

Immediately, Jesus' eyes turned to red slits and his voice dropped an octave. He seemed to inflate until He was easily at least three times the sight of Judas. It was meant to be frightening, but He forget to make his robes inflate, so it was actually just funny. "And what's this I've been hearing about you and Thomas?" Jesus bellowed, "Peter's told me things, Judas! Do not LIE to Me!" Thunder rolled, and lightening crashed behind His head. He laughed maniacally.

Judas sighed. He knew when he was beat, and there was no standing up to Angry Jesus. "Okay, I confess," he said calmly, "Thomas and I used to be involved, a long time before I met you. And one time a few months ago, we kissed. Nothing more."

Jesus shrunk down to His normal size, looking defeated. "Do you love Thomas more than Me?" He asked in a tiny voice.

"Of course not, Jesus--" Judas began.

"You're lying" Jesus whimpered. "I know it!"

"No, I'm not," Judas said impatiently. "And hey, what would you say to you and I having a threesome with Thomas?"

Jesus actually appeared to consider it for a minute. "If we did that, we'd probably have to invite John, too. You know how sensitive he is. And then I suppose Peter would have to get involved—he can be quite scary. And I guess by that point all thirteen of us might as well...hmm, we'll need quite a big bed, won't we?"

"See, Jeezy...you understand...it's no big deal."

"It IS!" Jesus bawled. "And in punishment, I will make billions of people hate your guts for the next two thousand years. Everyone in the whole world."

"What?" Judas laughed nervously. "You can't do that!"

A maniac gleam shone in Jesus' eyes. "I can and I will!" He proclaimed furiously. "Everyone, up to and including your mother, will hate you."

"Not my mother!" Judas exclaimed, horrified, "Mommy will always love me, no matter what!"

"Oh, yeah? Watch this! Oi! Pharisees! Peter, John, Thomas!"

Judas looked around frantically. "What are you _doing?" _he hissed.

"You'll see...you'll see...Now kiss me, you bastard!"

Judas was confused, by complied, pressing his lips to Jesus' .

Jesus pulled away, laughing. A pharisee had seen Him, which was adequate reason to send Him to His death. "Now I'll be crucified and it's all _your fault!_" He said gleefully.

Judas' jaw dropped open as a soldier began to tug Jesus away. "Jesus, you're getting Yourself crucified just to get revenge on me? Doesn't that strike You as overkill?"

Jesus looked thoughtful for a moment, then a shade of panic came into His eyes. "Hey, that was really stupid, wasn't it? Let me _go!_" He cried.

"You bet it was stupid. You just spawned billions of hate-mongering Christians." But Jesus was already out of sight, and there was no reply.

Peter, Thomas, and John all formed a circle around Judas. "Now, what do you have to say for yourself, Judas?" Peter asked menacingly.

Judas gulped.


End file.
